i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
