OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
