Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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