I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You can't motorboat a personality
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well I just put wine in my tea
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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