In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
