Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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