Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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