I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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