So drunk its hurt
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
