I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I am midnight drunk by noon
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
