so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
