This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom