party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
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I just want nice things and good sex
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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