Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever