I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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