I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
