and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
