Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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