I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
