There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
