If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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