All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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