How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize