oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
