i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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