Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
