I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
no, he came in my armpit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
