he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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