There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
