It's like a parade of train wrecks.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
