If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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