currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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