I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
