There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
