I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Drake has all the answers
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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