My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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