i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
