Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
