I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
