My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
