How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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