I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
