i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
