sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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