Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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