I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
