I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
