you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
