I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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