i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
