Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
