my soul wont recognize me after tonight
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
