Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
