Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
