he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
