The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
