I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
