remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
