i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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