So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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