so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
