I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
